So I WAS going to write about Literary Orange tonight. Really. But then....

Okay, I *really* just took a deep breath to confess something to you all. I nearly lost my shit tonight. After I got home from Literary Orange (more on that in a moment), I took some time to fill my Mom in on all the wonderfulness that was today. Then, my intestines attempted to turn themselves inside out. I quickly took Rowan and Loki outside to go potty (Rowan was very insistent), and deposited them into my room. After I emerged from the restroom (I know, ew, but it's my blog. Deal.) I discovered that Loki had dug out my LAST pair of hand-knitted slippers and chewed the crap out of them. One was intact, but the other was unsalvageable, so I threw them both away. Not only that, but he had also partially eaten one of my strawberry socks I frequently wear for work, and a cute skull & crossbones sock as well. When I find the pairs to those socks, it'll be another slap in the face to throw those away since the mate was destroyed.

I'll tell you something. Logically, I know that yelling at Loki will do no good whatsoever. He won't connect my anger with the act, and it would only succeed in making him more insecure and skittish. And if I did yell, Rowan would get all freaked out, thinking I was yelling at her too, or just freaked out by the energy in the room. Logically, I know this. But........but I did yell. I shook the remaining slipper in his face and told him "bad dog", and did all the things I know won't accomplish a damn thing. I lost my shit. He cowered, curled into a little ball, looked thoroughly ashamed of himself. He did all the things that my rational brain knows a creature would do to try to placate the other creature that is being aggressive toward him. I know he's not really sorry for what he did, and given another chance, he would absolutely do it again. He has no way to connect what he did to my anger. So why did I give in to my rage? I don't know. Part of me wanted to whop him on the nose and yell at him some more, but I was already so angry at myself and ashamed with my behavior that I made myself stop and breathe, and calm down for a minute.  Bonnie, this is your fault for not exercising them enough lately. It's your fault for noticing they were getting antsy and needed an outlet, and it's your fault for leaving these things out where he can get them. I know this. But the anger! The anger!!

I love my dogs more than life itself, and I would do anything for them. I think when I get frustrated with them, I'm actually getting frustrated with myself for not doing what I KNOW needs to be done. Whether it's training, more exercise, or whathaveyou, it's all on me. My fault. I'm the one that needs the whop on the nose, not them. Anyway, I think I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you.

WHEW! Okay, I actually do feel better now. Judge me if you will, I was just being honest and confessing that I am a flawed person who is doing their best to learn along the way. I do believe that in most cases, there are no bad dogs, just bad owners. Lately, I have been lazy and distracted and (insert every other excuse in the book) have not been the responsible dog owner I should be. Believe me, the self-flaggelation is in progress, and I will bear the scars. Scars that manifest in destroyed knitwear. For those that don't follow me on facebook or twitter, I'll fill you in on what happened a few weeks ago. I went out for an evening, and when I came home I witnessed a truly horrific murder scene. The carcasses of my most beloved hand-knit socks were in bits and pieces all over my bed and floor. The cherished rainbow socks from the luscious mini-mochi yarn, the exquisite mermaid lace socks from the knitpicks blue yonder stroll tonal that I had spent MONTHS on, gone. Just gone.

I cried. To borrow a phrase from my blogging heroine Laurie Perry (Crazy Aunt Purl), I cried "the ugly cry" for about two hours. You know, the squinchy faced, nobody-can-possibly-look-attractive helpless sobbing that wrenches your heart out, wishing that whatever had happened could be taken away by your cathartic wailing. Those damn socks made me so happy. They brought me a comfort and joy that I can't explain. The bright rainbow colorway that would make me feel like it was a special day, or the gorgeous lace pattern that made me SO proud that yes, I did in fact knit those socks myself. A couple of days later, when I told my Mom that I had cried for a good two hours, she said "those socks meant that much to you?" I was a bit taken aback and had trouble finding the words to explain that yes, those damn socks really did mean THAT much to me. I was proud of those socks. I loved those stupid socks. I didn't even cry that hard when I recently ended my six year relationship with a man I still love with all my heart, because I knew it was the right thing to do. Maybe that was the final crack in the wall that was holding back all the emotional crap that's been building up lately, but man did it flood. I'm not much of an emotional crier, and when I do cry it's usually from completely impotent rage and frustration. You know, the intense rage that has NO outlet and NO justice, and you can't do anything about. That's usually what gets me to cry. Anything else can be rationalized away or walled up inside that little place that resides inside your stomach. Please let me know I'm not the only one that does this! I'm not THAT crazy, am I? Feel free to comment or criticize at will.

Holy schmoly. I fully intended to do a short paragraph vent about my poor destroyed beautiful hand-knit slippers, and it turned into a full-on manifesto. Sorry, guys. This really is verbal vomit, and confessional all rolled into one. I would love to know if anyone can relate, or if I really am that weird and messed up. I know I make a lot of empty promises (I'm working on it, really!), but I SWEAR tomorrow I'm going to write and post pictures, and it's going to be a totally entertaining post about Literary Orange and meeting one of my personal heroes, Laurie Perry of Crazy Aunt Purl fame. I'm seriously having to control my total fangirl squees and not totally freak her out with a million tweets and email. Also, I want TOTAL CREDIT for not backing her into a corner and running my mouth nonstop for hours and hours about all of the things I've always wanted to tell her, what her writing has meant to me, and what an inspiration she is.

Epiphany. Seriously, I just had a complete epiphany about why I love her so much. This whole post has been a confession about how imperfect I am, and how I came *thisclose* to totally losing my temper.  I'll be the first to admit it. Laurie has never balked at showing herself in a goofy, not-so-perfect light. I LOVE her for it. She takes an awful day she's having and turns it into a funny story, or a compassionate "I've SO been there, and I SO get you" kind of thing.  I understand her, I "get" her, and she's SO my people. Nobody has awesome days all the time, and it's okay to admit it. I think everyone can relate to that. The important thing is that we analyze, understand, and strive to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be. There's no shame in admitting that we hit stumbling places along the way. Anyone who plasters on a smiley happy face all the time isn't to be trusted, and I love you more if you'll tell me your'e not having the best day ever, but things will inevitably get better. Honesty and optimism. To me, there's no better combination. Don't you think?

Much calmer now,
Bonnie

P.S. following the tradition my Mom started when I was a very grumpy teenager, here's "one good thing about today":

AAAHHHH!!!! Me and Laurie Perry (Crazy Aunt Purl)

I totally wish I was her new BFF. She's made of awesome with awesome-sauce on top.

Now THAT is "one good thing about today" don't you think, Pollyanna? Er, I mean, Mom? ;)

Run for your lives! It's the SHOULD monster!!

Well, I'm being a bit overdramatic.  It's mostly the acceptance that some things aren't going to get done, and the acceptance that sometimes I need to be nice to myself and let go of all the things I "should" be doing.  Here's the "should" list:

• Sewing. I have a dog bed half finished, I should finish that. I should sew yarn houses for my knitting group and my etsy site. I should be making more neck pillows for my clients at work. I should be making myself (and a couple of craftsters) interchangeable knitting needle cases. 
• Knitting. I should be knitting more. I'm so far behind on my Iknitarod project, I'm definitely not going to finish before the end of the race. I guess Guido will be coming to bust my kneecaps. 

That's as far as I've gotten on my Salem hooded jacket. Both sleeves, and the bottom body band. *sigh* I could say "I've been busy with work! Or, "I was working on getting the Iknitarod website up!" All this would be true, but it's also a LOT of the typical ol' "I don't WANNA work on what I SHOULD be working on, I wanna do this other thing that seems like far more fun, or much more productive than doing what I actually SHOULD be doing. This is my eternal ADD curse. Yes, I am clinically diagnosed with ADD. 

• Writing. All day, every day, I'm thinking about things I want to write about. Projects I want to post. Yet I procrastinate. I procrastinate because it takes time, procrastinate because I'm unsure of what kinds of things I should share, and what should be kept private. That's no excuse for not writing about projects though. Again, bad bad Bonnie. Bad. I always seem to find a reason why I can't write. I'm wiped after work, the dogs need my attention, there's always something else that seems more pressing. I even tell myself "it doesn't matter, nobody's going to be mad at you for NOT writing". Life moves too fast though, and I should be writing more to capture a mental snapshot (and sometimes actual snapshots!) of what life is like right now. Details and events get forgotten, they should be written about.  Nobody will ever read what doesn't get written. Does that make sense? Maybe it's the wine talking.
• I should be exercising my dogs every single day. This is a major major major guilt factor. And it should be! (there's that SHOULD again...argh!) My dogs deserve more exercise attention, and I've been terrible about it lately.
• I should be spending time with my friends. Keeping in contact with them. Okay, here's the big giant confession on that. This is going to be a HUGE digression. I recently ended my relationship of six years. I can't air all my dirty laundry here, as much as I'd like to (Honest people, I"m all about it). But the fact of the matter is, it's complicated and there's no bad guy. Just different people with different goals who still love each other very much, but want different things. I was simply finally being honest with myself and admitting that I want to get married someday. On that note, I guess I was avoiding talking with my friends because I didn't want to deconstruct the whole thing. I didn't want to explain and go over and over and over it, and I didn't want to hear anything anyone else had to say. It's something I had to sort through myself and resolve feelings without any influence.  That said, I love my friends more than life itself, but I tend to implode and disappear when I'm not in a very good place. 
• I should call and spend time with my grandmother. Oooh boy. That's another ginormous guilt elephant in the room. My grandfather recently passed away, and I loved him very very much. He was the nicest, kindest man I've ever known, and I miss him a lot.  Alzheimers is an ugly disease, and you feel like you lose the person way before they're actually gone.  Hiding is a selfish, ugly act that I'm completely ashamed of. I'm owning it right here. I'm terrible with bad emotions, and I tend to hide from them. Especially when it comes to death, I don't know what to do or say. I adore my grandmother, and I need to get off my repressed, lazy ass and spend some time with her. Bad Bonnie. Bad bad bad. 

These "shoulds" are killing me and I know I'll feel much better if I confront them head on.  Except for the one about my grandmother, there is a flipside. The flipside is this: Being nice to yourself and letting go of a lot of those "shoulds" can be very therapeutic.  The world won't collapse, Guildo won't come bust my kneecaps if these other projects don't get done right away.  People might be disappointed in me, but that's something I'm willing to accept the consequences of.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of  expectations and sitting around knitting and watching Desperate Housewives all weekend is exactly what you need.  The guilt might nag at you, but sometimes it's just okay.  My neck and head have been super painful lately, and leaning over a cutting board of fabric, or sitting at a sewing machine is not helpful. Even talking adds muscular stress, especially given the situations that have happened lately that friends and family might want to talk about and deconstruct. Being quiet, trying to relax the strained muscles seems like a lot smarter thing to do. So yes, I'm being nice to myself. 

Here's some things I AM proud of though:

• I got the Iknitarod website put up, even if I'm not updating right now. That's another huge should, but at least the website is up. Yay me!
• The dogs are getting brushed every couple of days, the floor is getting vaccumed of dog hair, and my bedding is getting washed once or twice a week to keep husky fur at a minimum. They're still blowing their coats, and even for all my effort I'm still breathing and wearing husky fur. 
• My room is staying pretty darn nice. The laundry is staying under control, my comfy chair isn't covered with junk, and my craft supplies are staying pretty organized. I still have work to do on my sewing desk, and I have to continue organizing my fat quarters, but overall I'm pretty damn proud of how beautiful, inspiring, and wonderful my room is. Pictures coming soon. 
• My plants are well cared for. I love my plants. They're all doing very well right now, and they bring me joy every day. Again, pictures coming soon. 

Whew! Thanks for listening to my rambling. I guess I get kind of contemplative and maudlin when there's a glass of wine involved. Tomorrow, I want to do a post on all the cool projects I've been working on lately, and I hope you'll stay tuned and see what they are! Trust me, I have been a very busy crafter lately. Crafting has been my therapy and my lifeline lately. I totally want a picture of Dori (from Finding Nemo) that says "just keep knitting, just keep knitting, just keep knitting knitting knitting...." Crafting makes me feel productive and proud, and I'm so thrilled to have that in my life.  Craft on, everyone!

Oh!! By the way, I'm giving the twitter thing another shot, and actually having fun with it! Follow my tweets!

Official Iknitarod website

It's up! It's up! I want to write a big 'ol post later, but after a LOT of work, the official Iknitarod website is up. You can find it here. Let me know what you think, and for goodness sake, subscribe! I love feedback and constructive criticism, so let loose and tell me what you think.

Tutorial for I-cord earphone cover (otherwise known as "I wanna put on mah mah mah mah mah boogie earbuds!")

If you frequent craftster, you may have seen these:

They were a featured project of the month on craftster, both for knitting AND overall. Proud? Me? Okay, a little. I promised and promised a tutorial, but I FINALLY got around to filming it this morning. I'm also going to do a write-up in case you don't want to listen to my droning and goofiness. I asked my Dad to film my hands for me, and he decided to film ME as an introduction. Me. In my sweats, a ponytail, and no makeup. A scary sight indeed, but hopefully people can get past that and gain some clarity if the write-up is confusing. So here goes! 

Boogie earbuds: 

Supplies:

Earbuds (duh)

Fingering weight yarn   

Two size 1 dpns 

1 safety pin (or stitch holder)

tapestry needle

First and foremost, MAKE SURE YOU WRAP UP EXCESS EARBUD CORDAGE (using a rubber band or something)

Trust me. You want to do this. 

Using favorite cast on method (I used long tail), cast on 3(4) sts. (I say 4, because some cords are thicker than others, use your own judgement, pattern is VERY adjustable. Common sense, people.)

Okay, so cast on 3 or 4 sts. Do not turn work. Slide stitches to opposite end of needle, making sure the FIRST stitch you cast on is now your first stitch you'll be working with. (is that confusing? Let me know, or watch the video) With earbud

connector facing DOWN, make sure working yarn wraps BEHIND the earbuds. Basically, throw your earbud bundle over the yarn so the working yarn is behind the cord. Knit all stitches. Throw earbud bundle behind working yarn.

Repeat until you reach the "y" split.

Increase using your favorite method (if you cast on 3 stitches, increase 1 stitch so you have 4 stitches. If you cast on 4 stitches, increase 2 so you have 6 stitches)

Knit 2 rounds

Transfer the 2 or 3 stitches farthest from the working yarn onto safety pin.

Continue working I-cord method on right or left earbud (whichever one you're closest to) with remaining 2 or 3 stitches. When you reach the top (or the microphone thingeemabobber) cut yarn leaving a tail and run through all stitches, drawing it tight. Weave in tail. If you have a microphone thingeemabobber, just do what you did at the beginning, only cast on the smaller amount of stitches. Duh; ;) Knit I-cord to end, run yarn through stitches, blah blah blah. You get the idea. 

Okay! Other ear! Go back and transfer those 2 or 3 stitches back onto your needle and knit that I-cord! 

Run yarn through, draw closed, blah blah blahf You're done! Woot woot!

If this doesn't make any sense (sorry, I've never written a pattern before), you can always e-mail me at damsel@me.com, or watch the video and see if it clarifies anything. And please PLEASE don't mind the Bonnie-monster.  Better with actual sleep and makeup.  I hope this helps, and please let me know if you make one and send me a picture!

By the way, I survive solely on comments. it's my sustenance. Please let me know if you like this, if you hate it, if anytthing needs clarifying, etc. And if you "follow" me, I will love you forever. Just sayin'. Also, this song is mandatory listening. 

Funny thing happened on the way to the blog this evening....

I got sidetracked. *GASP* NO! SAY IT AIN'T SO! Yeah, yeah....shaddup. Happy February everyone! First of all, the very best thing about today:

My quickie one-day knitting project got chosen as a featured knitting project of the month on craftster! YAAAAYYY!!! *kermit-the-frog style with flailing arms*

I won't pretend it's the first time anyone's ever done a project like this, but I did wing it on my own, and the yarn turned out SO perfectly.  I'm going to post a tutorial for it hopefully tomorrow, if you'd like to make some for yourself.  It'll be part photo, part video so it's completely clear. :D



       Everything I want to write about is so ADD all-over-the-place, so I decided to find a couple of pics and such from my childhood awkwardness.  It was exactly what I needed.  After talking with *someone* on the phone tonight, my upbeat, perky mood went poof! and I was left cranky and deflated.  Funny thing about creativity and inspiration (to write, in this case), the tiniest little thing can derail you. Anywho, I plunged into old scrapbooks, diaries, and a few old photos (my Mom has most of them socked away somewhere) and before I knew it I was laughing, gasping, and cringing at my past self with a perma-grin plastered on my face.  Once I came up for air, it felt like I had been on a mini-vacation.  I felt centered again, a little more sure of who I was and who I am.  For better or worse, you're always you, regardless of how you let anyone else make you feel.  You're your own best or worst company, but it's always down to you.  I wish I'd written more.  I wish I'd scrapbooked more.  There were SO many entries where I was too lazy to write about what had happened that day, so I wrote "I'll always remember it anyway".  I don't remember.  There were ginormous milestones in there, big news, big days.  I'm so glad I wrote a few of them down, because they're relevant.  If I could impart one thing to my old self, and hopefully to you out there, it's this: Write.  Write it all down.  You won't remember, so get it down while it's fresh.  It'll give you perspective for the future, new perspective on the past, and hopefully allow you to see things you might not have noticed before.  Here's a few choice things I found to share with ya'll, which I'll go more in-depth with in the future when it's not 10:30pm (I know, I'm such a grandma) and my tylenol pm isn't kicking in and making me all loopy.

I guess I didn't start off totally awkward, here's the proof:Okay, maybe a little awkward....Our first sheltie, Lady. Look at those bat ears!

Best picture of me ever. Hands down. EVER.

Tomorrow I'm going to continue this little trip down memory lane, because it just gets funnier and more awkward as time goes on.  Sooo tired. Plus, it's always good to end on a high note, right? Look how cute! Awww, pinchy pinchy chubby baby Bonnie cheeks!

It's never too late for thankfulness....

Thanksgiving is over, but it's never too late to share things you're grateful for. So here's mine today:
I'm grateful for snuggly 70lb. huskies who lie on legs and keep your feet warm.


I am also thankful for the time to work on knitting projects to keep your best friend's hands warm after cancer left her with reynaud's that freezes her hands.

I survived Black Friday and all I got was.....lots of yarn!

I survived! Well, it's past 3:30 in the morning, so that's debatable. Check with me tomorrow, see if I have a pulse. Color me surprised (color? Yarn? Get it?! I slay me....), but traffic and all that wasn't really that bad. It was smooth sailing until we hit Mission Viejo, then SCREEEECH!! Traffic. Mom kept insisting she saw flashing trouble lights up ahead, but I kept trying to reassure her that no, it's just yellow tow truck lights. It's just traffic. We crept along until Lake Forest, and when we arrived at Yarn Lady I held my breath expecting a huge battle for parking spaces. What? Plenty of parking? That's not right.....We walked in the door, and it was bustling but not omigodgetyourelbowoutofmykidney crowded. Mom remarked on how beautiful and well put-together the store is (my reponse: "I know, RIGHT?!"), and I immediately bee-lined for the malabrigo. True to my nature, I kept up a constant running commentary, educating my poor Mom on the virtues and qualities of all the different yarns. Like I really know what I'm talking about. I run my mouth. A lot. I ran into Vickie, a knit-night favorite and a kick-ass woman who anybody would love two seconds after meeting her.





After spending WAY too much time wandering the store and lusting after yarn (Mom even bought some for me to make her a scarf. Handmaiden seasilk, which is the softest stuff you will ever feel.), I harassed the owner, Ginger (who disappeared before I could get a picture- Ginger, I have embarrassing birthday photos and I'm not afraid to use them!), said hi to other knit-night ladies, then escaped before I could do any more damage to my bank account. Okay, yes. I bought yarn for myself. You caught me. But mostly it's for christmas presents for other people! REALLY!! Here's my haul:





Then it was off to Rogers Gardens in Corona Del Mar. Martha Stewart's got NUTHIN' on this place. Yes, it's a nursery, but its mostly famous for its seasonal home decor. During
Halloween, they have the absolute coolest decorations I have ever seen. However, it's Corona Del Mar. Martha Stewart wishes she could afford some of this stuff.










Outside, they had an adorable toy train display that people were clustered around just to stare.

















I want this chair.....


And finally, I will leave you with one more photo:

Cover me, I'm going in!

I can't believe I'm going out on Black Friday. Only for you, yarn, would I risk the roads and the crowds and the lines. Actually, let me amend that statement. Only for you, Yarn Lady, would I venture forth on Black Friday. Not just because I have specific yarn in mind for Christmas projects, and maaaybe it'll be on sale. Contributing factor? Yes. Definitely. But also because you are such a friendly, cheerful place with people I absolutely adore, and I'll take any excuse to go say hi and pet all the pretty yarn. Especially because there is no social knitting tonight. Boo. Anyway, into the fray I will go, and will update later and report any Black Friday craziness I might witness.

I received an e-mail yesterday that made me smile. It was an advertisement for an online yarn store WhitKnits. The subject was "Rainbow Friday Sale!" Yarn is a happy thought. Bright colors, softness, the inspiration and endless possibilities. Yarn=love. Even before I started knitting, I thought Black Friday sounded so ominous. It is. Don't get me wrong. It also made me wonder if it's so dark and evil, why have it? Employees hate it, shoppers love/hate it, why torture everybody? Know what I mean? I guess what I'm getting at is the negative association. Black Friday. The Apocalypse. Doesn't exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy, right? So when I saw Rainbow Friday, I had to smile. Now THERE was a sale I could endorse. It made it seem like they're actually happy to be having a sale! Not like "Macy's Black Friday Sale: we really really don't want to be here, and we really really don't want to be having a sale. Please don't stampede us to death." Go on with your bad self, WhitKnits, good for you.

My Mom wants to go to Rogers Gardens too, which sounds like it wouldn't be too crazy. Hopefully. She'll get dragged to Yarn Lady with me first though, and I'm actually pretty excited for her to see the new store and how much it's changed. Also maybe to meet some of the awesome ladies I'm privileged to knit with. First, my nasty ass needs to shower and get ready, so I'll say goodbye for now. Update later!

ONWARD TO CELEBRATE RAINBOW FRIDAY!


I will be wearing my rainbow socks knit from mini mochi. Cause I gotta.