|You're daaaaaaamn right.|
|Ummm....what? I think we need a bigger boat.|
Me: "Seriously? What the hell? I just want a wine glass!"
NG (Nice Gentleman): *starts laughing* "I know. I'm trying to figure it out too."
Me: "Does it REALLY make that big of a difference? I mean, REALLY?"
NG: *laughs again*
Me: *snooty voice* "The wider bowl of the glass really emphasizes the bouquet of this particular vintage, blah blah blah.... Seriously?! You have to buy a complete set of wine glasses for EVERY type of wine you want to buy, EVER?"
NG: "I don't know. I have friends coming over, and all my wine glasses are mismatched or broken. They're kind of wine people, so I wouldn't want to get the WRONG kind."
Me: *gasp* Heavens, no! You wouldn't want to use a Bordeaux glass for a Pinot Grigio! Good lord!"
NG: *laughing again*. (He has a great laugh. That amiable older-black-dude laugh that makes you wish they were your Dad or your grampa. Sort of like the Doctor on the Simpsons)
So I kind of went on about the silliness of it all, and just gimme a damn coffee mug as long as it holds wine. I finally picked out a box of 4 smallish wine glasses that were the cheapest ones there. $5.99. Whatever, it works for me. So here's why I keep calling the guy "Nice Gentleman".
NG: "You just needed one glass, huh?"
Me: "Yep, but apparently that's not an option. So these will do!"
NG: "And you don't care what kind they are?"
Me: "Hell no."
NG: "You wouldn't mind the big ones?"
Me: "Holds more wine! Bring it on!"
NG: "Okay, here ya go." And he proceeded to take a box out of his cart and hands it to me. I tried to politely decline, but he turned the box to the side and showed me the magic red sticker of Target clearance. Our dear friend Clearance. $3.48. I immediately put back my suddenly exorbitant $5.99 box of SMALL wine glasses and plucked the holy grail of Clearance out of his hands. I thanked him profusely, which he shrugged off and showed me the other three boxes of Clearance Goodness in his cart. "You wiped them out, didn't you!" He grinned and said "That's why I don't mind passing these on to you. Enjoy."After wishing each other good luck, I was on my way to pick up laundry detergent next. Hold me back, I'm a wild woman on a friday night!
The pad thai was excellent as usual, as was the thom kha soup. The riesling wine was also crisp, sweet, a bit tingly and totally yummy and relaxing. *takes another sip*
Because I love you for reading my blog, I created this expert guide for you to help you navigate the murky waters of wine glass choosing. You're welcome.
You can only serve Burgundy in these glasses. Don't you DARE pour anything else in them BESIDES Burgundy, or else Guido will come bust your kneecaps and take away your wine-drinking license. The curved lip makes it extra special.
My pinot is bigger than your pinot. If you're drinking pinot noir, you need a BIIIIG glass. You know what they say, "once you go noir, you never go...something something". (I think that was a lot funnier in my head. Sorry.)
Do people in Bordeaux have bigger mouths? Is that why there's a bigger lip? Is Angelina Jolie from Bordeaux? That would explain the lips. Maybe they're really tall too.
Finally, a simple glass for basic red wine. Actually, I'm suddenly confused. Pinot noir is red. Bordeaux is red. Burgundy is red (by definition, even!) Does that means you can use this all-purpose red wine glass for all of those? What about all those other glasses?! AAHHH! You're making my head hurt! Stoppit!
Then we have this:
Don't even TRY to compare it to the all-purpose-red-wine-glass. It's so totally different. For one thing, it's....umm...well, it's definitely...um....
Okay, I kind of want to go crawl in a corner and start counting my arm hairs.
But wait, we're not done yet! You still have to make a choice! Suddenly, even HAVING a stem is an option. WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO TO ME?!?! I just want some wiiiine *sobbing*
*sigh* Really? Well, I suppose there is something very Hugh-Hefner-in-a-smoking-jacket about gently cupping a stemless wine glass in your hand. All the better to look cool swirling it around, seeming like you know EXACTLY what you're talking about. And clearly, these three stemless glasses are totally different. They'll get really really mad if you tell them they look alike. People have died that way. Really. I knew someone whose roommate knew someone whose cousin it happened to.
*On a non-snarky side note, wouldn't this type of glass make your wine get warm really fast from your hand warmth? Just a thought.....
I am defeated. Less surface area means fizzy sticks around longer. Logical. Okay, you can stay.
James Bond, bitch. Nuff said.
If you're a guy and you own these, it's only because your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend made you buy them. Most guys I know would drink beer that's been siphoned from the floor of yankee stadium. Scene: "Babe (not that *I've* ever been called that), would you grab me a beer? No no, I want it in that glass...you know, the one that makes it EXTRA AWESOME". Science fiction.
I'm sure if this gets around, I'll be dragged up and down the coals and torn new assholes all over the place. I'm sure if I was drinking a 100 year old whatever that I would want the PERFECT glass that emphasizes its overtones of maple bark and flowery unicorn farts. For my $8.99 bottle of Relax Riesling however, what kind of glass did I get? I have no idea but it's big and holds lots of wine.
Edited for extra husky cuteness. No, Loki wasn't drinking my riesling.
|This dog cracks me up on a daily basis|