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Monday, March 14, 2011

Run for your lives! It's the SHOULD monster!!

Well, I'm being a bit overdramatic.  It's mostly the acceptance that some things aren't going to get done, and the acceptance that sometimes I need to be nice to myself and let go of all the things I "should" be doing.  Here's the "should" list:

  • Sewing. I have a dog bed half finished, I should finish that. I should sew yarn houses for my knitting group and my etsy site. I should be making more neck pillows for my clients at work. I should be making myself (and a couple of craftsters) interchangeable knitting needle cases. 
  • Knitting. I should be knitting more. I'm so far behind on my Iknitarod project, I'm definitely not going to finish before the end of the race. I guess Guido will be coming to bust my kneecaps. 

That's as far as I've gotten on my Salem hooded jacket. Both sleeves, and the bottom body band. *sigh* I could say "I've been busy with work! Or, "I was working on getting the Iknitarod website up!" All this would be true, but it's also a LOT of the typical ol' "I don't WANNA work on what I SHOULD be working on, I wanna do this other thing that seems like far more fun, or much more productive than doing what I actually SHOULD be doing. This is my eternal ADD curse. Yes, I am clinically diagnosed with ADD. 
  • Writing. All day, every day, I'm thinking about things I want to write about. Projects I want to post. Yet I procrastinate. I procrastinate because it takes time, procrastinate because I'm unsure of what kinds of things I should share, and what should be kept private. That's no excuse for not writing about projects though. Again, bad bad Bonnie. Bad. I always seem to find a reason why I can't write. I'm wiped after work, the dogs need my attention, there's always something else that seems more pressing. I even tell myself "it doesn't matter, nobody's going to be mad at you for NOT writing". Life moves too fast though, and I should be writing more to capture a mental snapshot (and sometimes actual snapshots!) of what life is like right now. Details and events get forgotten, they should be written about.  Nobody will ever read what doesn't get written. Does that make sense? Maybe it's the wine talking.
  • I should be exercising my dogs every single day. This is a major major major guilt factor. And it should be! (there's that SHOULD again...argh!) My dogs deserve more exercise attention, and I've been terrible about it lately.
  • I should be spending time with my friends. Keeping in contact with them. Okay, here's the big giant confession on that. This is going to be a HUGE digression. I recently ended my relationship of six years. I can't air all my dirty laundry here, as much as I'd like to (Honest people, I"m all about it). But the fact of the matter is, it's complicated and there's no bad guy. Just different people with different goals who still love each other very much, but want different things. I was simply finally being honest with myself and admitting that I want to get married someday. On that note, I guess I was avoiding talking with my friends because I didn't want to deconstruct the whole thing. I didn't want to explain and go over and over and over it, and I didn't want to hear anything anyone else had to say. It's something I had to sort through myself and resolve feelings without any influence.  That said, I love my friends more than life itself, but I tend to implode and disappear when I'm not in a very good place. 
  • I should call and spend time with my grandmother. Oooh boy. That's another ginormous guilt elephant in the room. My grandfather recently passed away, and I loved him very very much. He was the nicest, kindest man I've ever known, and I miss him a lot.  Alzheimers is an ugly disease, and you feel like you lose the person way before they're actually gone.  Hiding is a selfish, ugly act that I'm completely ashamed of. I'm owning it right here. I'm terrible with bad emotions, and I tend to hide from them. Especially when it comes to death, I don't know what to do or say. I adore my grandmother, and I need to get off my repressed, lazy ass and spend some time with her. Bad Bonnie. Bad bad bad. 
These "shoulds" are killing me and I know I'll feel much better if I confront them head on.  Except for the one about my grandmother, there is a flipside. The flipside is this: Being nice to yourself and letting go of a lot of those "shoulds" can be very therapeutic.  The world won't collapse, Guildo won't come bust my kneecaps if these other projects don't get done right away.  People might be disappointed in me, but that's something I'm willing to accept the consequences of.  Sometimes allowing yourself to let go of  expectations and sitting around knitting and watching Desperate Housewives all weekend is exactly what you need.  The guilt might nag at you, but sometimes it's just okay.  My neck and head have been super painful lately, and leaning over a cutting board of fabric, or sitting at a sewing machine is not helpful. Even talking adds muscular stress, especially given the situations that have happened lately that friends and family might want to talk about and deconstruct. Being quiet, trying to relax the strained muscles seems like a lot smarter thing to do. So yes, I'm being nice to myself. 

Here's some things I AM proud of though:
  • I got the Iknitarod website put up, even if I'm not updating right now. That's another huge should, but at least the website is up. Yay me!
  • The dogs are getting brushed every couple of days, the floor is getting vaccumed of dog hair, and my bedding is getting washed once or twice a week to keep husky fur at a minimum. They're still blowing their coats, and even for all my effort I'm still breathing and wearing husky fur. 
  • My room is staying pretty darn nice. The laundry is staying under control, my comfy chair isn't covered with junk, and my craft supplies are staying pretty organized. I still have work to do on my sewing desk, and I have to continue organizing my fat quarters, but overall I'm pretty damn proud of how beautiful, inspiring, and wonderful my room is. Pictures coming soon. 
  • My plants are well cared for. I love my plants. They're all doing very well right now, and they bring me joy every day. Again, pictures coming soon. 

Whew! Thanks for listening to my rambling. I guess I get kind of contemplative and maudlin when there's a glass of wine involved. Tomorrow, I want to do a post on all the cool projects I've been working on lately, and I hope you'll stay tuned and see what they are! Trust me, I have been a very busy crafter lately. Crafting has been my therapy and my lifeline lately. I totally want a picture of Dori (from Finding Nemo) that says "just keep knitting, just keep knitting, just keep knitting knitting knitting...." Crafting makes me feel productive and proud, and I'm so thrilled to have that in my life.  Craft on, everyone!

Oh!! By the way, I'm giving the twitter thing another shot, and actually having fun with it! Follow my tweets!

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