Monday, November 21, 2011

When you don't even know who you are anymore...

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty darn good, with just a touch of melodramatic "poor me" crap. I'm still having a very hard time processing my breakup with my ex-boyfriend, even though it's been about 11 months. Yeah, I know. No lectures, please. Keep in mind that it was my first *real* relationship, and it lasted almost six years. I form strong attachments with people, and I'm not the type to just cut the rope (metaphorically). He was very good to me, and I still love the guy, even if we were headed in different directions. There's no bad guy here. I still have a LOT of bad days where I cry the "ugly" cry (you know, where your face is all squinched up and your nose is red like Bozo the clown), and feel about as lovable as a pile of horse dung that's been sitting in the sun for a couple of weeks. I used to be the kind of person who was perfectly fine being single (honest-to-goodness) and genuinely wasn't looking for any kind of relationship. Not even a one night stand. Ew. So when I opened my heart and formed a long term attachment with someone that didn't work out, I hope it's a little understandable that I'd have a hard time letting that go. Everyone's allowed to have days that are harder than others. I'd give anything to be that independent *I don't need no mans* girl again. There's just a lot I wish I'd known six years ago. Just sayin'.
     ANYWAY!! Re-forming your self identity and regaining a sense of self-worth is never an easy process. Sewing and crafting in general has given me an outlet, an identity, and something to be proud of. Working with colors and texture, creating things that are well-made and beautiful has been the biggest self esteem booster I could ever hope for. Walking into my room on any given day and seeing all these bright colors and beautiful things I've made brings me such happiness, it's hard to explain. Which sorta kinda brings me to this weekend. Break it down, sistah!!

On Wednesday, I met my old friend Christy at Islands restaurant for dinner after work. I've known her for about 16 or so years now. Christy is one of my very favorite conversationalists because we can talk forever and never run out of things to talk about. She's also very VERY cerebral and intelligent, so we can talk objectively about things in an abstract sort of way and can always follow each others' train of thought. I imagine Thursday and Friday were run-of-the-mill days. I can't even remember what I did besides a few hours at work. Saturday Christy invited me to an early Thanksgiving dinner at her grandmother's house (she wouldn't be in town, so her family was celebrating early) which was DELICIOUS. Chris, if you'd send me that recipe for the drinks you made, I'll love you forever. Afterwards, we went to see Puss in Boots. I grinned like an idiot through the entire thing and enjoyed it so much, I've been talking about it non-stop. Go see it. It's awesome.

Sunday, I decided to clean and organize. Before I could buckle down and do some serious crafting, I needed to organize my stuff and clean off surfaces so I could find everything I needed. I'll take better pictures in the daytime, but here's a couple of photos I snapped with my phone when sending them to my BFF twitter friends.

It may not look like much, but folding and organizing fat quarters is no joke!
Yeah, that took me pretty much all day. I don't want to go into detail about how much I had to haul, cull, organize, etc..etc..etc. It was a ton of work. My Mom and I also did a bit of xmas decoration shopping (thanks for the goodies, Mom!) and I promise I'll post photos of the adorable xmas goodness soon.

So overall, it was a great weekend. I just have to keep my thoughts away from the dark places and focus on all the amazingly wonderful people in my life and all that I have to be thankful for. 

Extra bonus!! My hetero-life-mate (aka my bestest best friend and sister/partner for life Morgan) is going to be in town on Wednesday!! She's visiting for Thanksgiving from England, and I'm so excited I could just pee myself. Can'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait!! *Jumping up and down*  

So now for the journaling breakdown:

Right now:
Listening - I had "Numbers" episode one, season one playing on Netflix, but honestly I wasn't paying attention. So instead, I'll share the song stuck in my head.
Song Currently Stuck in my Head - "Rock Your Body" by Black Eyed Peas. It was the last song I was grooving to in my car, and I love the Black Eyed Peas. The more fun and fluffy the music, the better for me lately. 
Eating - Del Taco! I still have another macho taco left in the bag, and I'm debating whether or not I want to eat it. But I also know there's peanut butter cookie dough in the freezer. Mmmmm....frozen cookie dough.....
Drinking - Diet coke, also from Del Taco. But I should cut that out since I need to get to sleep sometime before 3 in the morning. I love caffeine, but not when I'm supposed to be winding down. WHEE!!!!
Wearing - Holey-kneed comfy jeans and my red "Bend, Oregon" sweatshirt. I freaking love this sweatshirt, almost as much as I freaking love Oregon. I will live there someday, mark my words.
Feeling - A hell of a lot better after a long, fast walk with the huskies! I almost forgot, here's a pic!!
The fur-kids love walking at the harbor at night. Loki is especially happy.
Weather - Very clear today, after all the rain and wind yesterday. Man, that storm was pretty awesome! Good day for organizing craft goodies.
Wanting - That peanut butter cookie dough in the freezer. And to sleep well tonight. Preferably in that order.
Needing - that cookie dough. Kidding. No, really I need to do just a little bit of knitting before I fall asleep. 
Thinking - About that cookie dough. Kidding, kidding. I'm actually thinking about what I need to make tomorrow to earn some money since work is scary-slow.
Enjoying - Well, gimme a minute and it'll be that cookie dough. Seriously.

Edited to add: My Mom threw the cookie dough away. I am very upset. No, really.

Edited AGAIN to add: Crisis averted. A trip to the local liquor store later, I'm enjoying a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar and some white chocolate Reeses peanut butter cups. I don't eat sugar often, but when I'm craving something, WATCH OUT!! Nomnomnomnomnom....


5 comments:

  1. Hmm, I know how a lot of that goes, except I didn't even have the benefit of the guy being officially with me for the 6 years he wasted, he just made it seem like that to ever other red blooded male out there *sigh* I'm trying to move past it too, but I still find myself having arguments with him in my head at the most random times, especially about the whole time-wasting element! As for the cookie dough - noooooo, how could she?! So glad that, if nothing else, I have my own freezer... ;o)

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  2. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I love the holiday theme of your blog right now! Usually I'm the biggest grinch on the block, but there's something so cheerful about your header and polka dots that I can't bah humbug it. :)

    Your organization pics made me sigh in appreciation--I love it when everything has a place and is put away tidily! And I've found that when the crafting itself doesn't help with my dark moods, I can usually see the light if I take the time to tidy my skeins and WIPs. Sometimes I'll even find that some of the moodiness was just because of the chaos of things in my room.

    One last: I love the journaling you've been doing at the ends of your posts lately--cool way to keep a connection with your readers, and I'm sure they'll be useful when you come back to read your own posts in future. And I'm glad to hear the cookie dough crisis was averted--sugar cravings are no laughing matter! :)

    ~Danica

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  3. Katy - aren't those arguments-in-the-head the worst? There's so much we want to say, but can't!! Whether it's because we don't want to be hurtful, or we're too passive, or just plain old don't talk to that person anymore, it's all difficult. Maybe it really is just time that helps you heal and move on, and feel like you really CAN live without that person, but that doesn't make the time in between any easier. Just remember: It's okay to be angry, and it's okay to NOT be okay. But if you figure out a way to make the in-between times easier, let me know!

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  4. Hi Danica!! How's the gnome wallet doing? I hope it's holding up okay, and washing well. :) Anywho, thank you! I've been kind of a grinch about xmas too, especially the past year or two. I knew this year would be especially difficult, so I've been making an effort to pick up pretty decorations and soak up as much festive-ness as possible. I think my whole family could use a little holiday boost, so I'll avoid the grinchyness. ;)

    I'm also loving the journaling too! I think it keeps me feeling like writing a blog post doesn't have to be a stupendous uber-entertaining thing, sometimes it's as simple as checking in with myself. And sometimes, just the simple act of STARTING to write gets the ball rolling, and before I know it I'm spewing a bunch of crazy nonsense that seems to entertain a couple of people. ;) So it's a win-win.

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  5. Hi! I adore my gnome wallet--it's holding up perfectly and always makes me smile when I pull it out. Though I keep joking that the gnomes like to play hide and seek in the bottom of my bag and make it hard for me to find them. :)

    I'm glad the journaling is working well for you! I might try something like it, because I often have the same problem getting started--that blank page can be so menacing! Journaling it into submission sounds like a good plan to me. :D

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