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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Hand me my sippy cup, please...

This week feels like it's been very long.  I LOVE my job, but it was a very busy week and my neck and shoulders are wrecked.  I wanted to go to social knitting at The Yarn Lady, but it felt like a giant energy-sucking mosquito had been all ninja-like and drained me dry without me even noticing.  Anyway, whine whine whine, which leads me to WINE! I can finally indulge in wine at home now (long story, and no, it's not because I'm an alcoholic or anything.) so after my last client I called Thai Paradise, ordered coconut chicken soup and pad thai, and made a beeline for Target.  I'm pretty new to the wine world, so I like to peruse my options. What did I choose?
You're daaaaaaamn right.
The next stop was to the kitchen section, because I wanted to pick up a real wine glass.  I mean, I'd drink wine out of a plastic sippy cup if I had to, it doesn't make a huge difference to me. But sometimes I like to feel a little bit fancypants.  There was one other person in the wine glass aisle, a very nice gentleman who seemed just as baffled by the selection as I was.  Boxes and boxes of different sizes and shapes.  I was looking for cheap.  And possibly just one glass. One. That's all I wanted.  That's when I saw this:
Ummm....what? I think we need a bigger boat.
I glanced at the nice gentleman, probably making a "WTF" face with my eyebrows squinched together.  He glanced back at me, his salt and pepper mustache kind of quirked to one side. Me? I talk to strangers.
Me: "Seriously? What the hell? I just want a wine glass!"
NG (Nice Gentleman): *starts laughing* "I know. I'm trying to figure it out too."
Me: "Does it REALLY make that big of a difference? I mean, REALLY?"
NG: *laughs again*
Me: *snooty voice* "The wider bowl of the glass really emphasizes the bouquet of this particular vintage, blah blah blah.... Seriously?! You have to buy a complete set of wine glasses for EVERY type of wine you want to buy, EVER?"
NG: "I don't know. I have friends coming over, and all my wine glasses are mismatched or broken. They're kind of wine people, so I wouldn't want to get the WRONG kind."
Me: *gasp* Heavens, no! You wouldn't want to use a Bordeaux glass for a Pinot Grigio! Good lord!"
NG: *laughing again*. (He has a great laugh. That amiable older-black-dude laugh that makes you wish they were your Dad or your grampa. Sort of like the Doctor on the Simpsons)

So I kind of went on about the silliness of it all, and just gimme a damn coffee mug as long as it holds wine.  I finally picked out a box of 4 smallish wine glasses that were the cheapest ones there.  $5.99. Whatever, it works for me.  So here's why I keep calling the guy "Nice Gentleman". 
NG: "You just needed one glass, huh?"
Me: "Yep, but apparently that's not an option. So these will do!"
NG: "And you don't care what kind they are?"
Me: "Hell no."
NG: "You wouldn't mind the big ones?"
Me: "Holds more wine! Bring it on!"
NG: "Okay, here ya go."  And he proceeded to take a box out of his cart and hands it to me.  I tried to politely decline, but he turned the box to the side and showed me the magic red sticker of Target clearance. Our dear friend Clearance. $3.48. I immediately put back my suddenly exorbitant $5.99 box of SMALL wine glasses and plucked the holy grail of Clearance out of his hands. I thanked him profusely, which he shrugged off and showed me the other three boxes of Clearance Goodness in his cart. "You wiped them out, didn't you!" He grinned and said "That's why I don't mind passing these on to you. Enjoy."After wishing each other good luck, I was on my way to pick up laundry detergent next.  Hold me back, I'm a wild woman on a friday night!
The pad thai was excellent as usual, as was the thom kha soup. The riesling wine was also crisp, sweet, a bit tingly and totally yummy and relaxing. *takes another sip* 

Because I love you for reading my blog, I created this expert guide for you to help you navigate the murky waters of wine glass choosing. You're welcome. 

If you're a female, just turned 21 and moved into your first place with your boyfriend, and want to be all grown up and sophistimicated, you want this decanter.  It's pretty and it'll impress all your friends when you throw those PERFECT dinner parties you have planned, and serve your fancypants wine.  You'll play either classical music or Sade and discuss geopolitical whoosiwhatsits. It's all so very grownup. 
You can only serve Burgundy in these glasses. Don't you DARE pour anything else in them BESIDES Burgundy, or else Guido will come bust your kneecaps and take away your wine-drinking license. The curved lip makes it extra special.
My pinot is bigger than your pinot.  If you're drinking pinot noir, you need a BIIIIG glass. You know what they say, "once you go noir, you never go...something something". (I think that was a lot funnier in my head. Sorry.)
Do people in Bordeaux have bigger mouths? Is that why there's a bigger lip? Is Angelina Jolie from Bordeaux? That would explain the lips.  Maybe they're really tall too. 
Finally, a simple glass for basic red wine. Actually, I'm suddenly confused.  Pinot noir is red. Bordeaux is red. Burgundy is red (by definition, even!) Does that means you can use this all-purpose red wine glass for all of those? What about all those other glasses?! AAHHH! You're making my head hurt! Stoppit! 
Then we have this:
Don't even TRY to compare it to the all-purpose-red-wine-glass. It's so totally different. For one thing, it's....umm...well, it's

Okay, I kind of want to go crawl in a corner and start counting my arm hairs.
But wait, we're not done yet! You still have to make a choice! Suddenly, even HAVING a stem is an option. WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO TO ME?!?! I just want some wiiiine *sobbing*

*sigh* Really? Well, I suppose there is something very Hugh-Hefner-in-a-smoking-jacket about gently cupping a stemless wine glass in your hand.  All the better to look cool swirling it around, seeming like you know EXACTLY what you're talking about. And clearly, these three stemless glasses are totally different. They'll get really really mad if you tell them they look alike. People have died that way. Really. I knew someone whose roommate knew someone whose cousin it happened to.

*On a non-snarky side note, wouldn't this type of glass make your wine get warm really fast from your hand warmth? Just a thought.....

I am defeated.  Less surface area means fizzy sticks around longer. Logical. Okay, you can stay.
James Bond, bitch. Nuff said.
If you're a guy and you own these, it's only because your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend made you buy them. Most guys I know would drink beer that's been siphoned from the floor of yankee stadium. Scene: "Babe (not that *I've* ever been called that), would you grab me a beer? No no, I want it in that know, the one that makes it EXTRA AWESOME". Science fiction.

I'm sure if this gets around, I'll be dragged up and down the coals and torn new assholes all over the place.  I'm sure if I was drinking a 100 year old whatever that I would want the PERFECT glass that emphasizes its overtones of maple bark and flowery unicorn farts. For my $8.99 bottle of Relax Riesling however, what kind of glass did I get? I have no idea but it's big and holds lots of wine. 

Edited for extra husky cuteness. No, Loki wasn't drinking my riesling.
This dog cracks me up on a daily basis


  1. My Bonnie was in stitches (pun?) reading this and so I had too. As she would say..."Hardy".

  2. I hope it was helpful. Next time you need to buy wine glasses, be sure to bring this guide with you, or you'll be curled in a corner counting your arm hairs. ;) Thank you so much for reading, I'm glad you stopped by!

  3. I have chosen to follow your blog solely on this entry that I just read. It's also the first one I read, but I will be reading more, because I just snorted from laughing so hard.
    I have this SAME issue with wine. My hubby and I don't have dinner parties, or people over for that matter, so we have ZERO need for a ridiculous wine glass. If people actually have that many different wine glasses, I don't want to know them. :)

  4. Thank you thank you! I'm not embarrassed by my wine ignorance. I don't pretend to know a lot, and certainly don't claim to have great taste in wine. I like 'em white, and I like 'em sweet. Some may call me a blasphemer, but oh well. Tie me to the stake, I guess. :D There were a couple of glasses that I *kind of* understood how it would make sense. Like the champagne glass. But otherwise, what's the difference? Really?!

    I'll be updating more frequently, I've just had a lot of big traumatic changes going on, and I'm still catching my breath and wrapping my head around a lot of things. I'm so glad you found me, and I hope you enjoy future posts too!

  5. I agree with Amy: this entry tossed me over the edge into follower territory. Come for the boogie earphones, stay for the stories and hilarity! I just read most of it out loud to my mom (who doesn't even drink) and we had a great time laughing uproariously. I love the way you write. :)

  6. Thank you Gwendydd! I love your Welsh name, by the way. I just read over the whole post again, since it's been a while and I'd forgotten most of what I wrote. Damn, I'm funny. Humble too. Now I'm thinking "oh, crap. How can I be funnier than this?"

    I'm glad you like the boogie earbuds, I'm working on another pattern that will be up soon, and I promise to write more about sewing and knitting stuff. Damn life, gets in the way all the time!

  7. Oh gads woman! This is funny funny stuff. I love it. And I never knew there were this many oh so unique glasses out there.

  8. Shanna - neither did I! I was so blown away and incredulous. Really? REALLY?! You need a very special kind of wine glass for every type of wine? *sigh* It was begging to be mocked.

  9. Lmfao! Incidentally, I have to share my I love Europe story. One rainy Saturday morning the 3 of us were in the local market town and I tell Mike that I recently noticed a store with lots of single malt scotch on display when I had seen it a few days ago. We go in. Savi is 11 at that time. It's before noon, and the lady at the desk/posh till says she's just filling in and doesnt know everything, but would we like to taste what's open? And we're all like, no it's ok, and she's all like, you might as well, it's free.
    Then I notice a bottle of bubbly stuff that looks ice cold. She sees me and immediately pours me a glass. What can I do? I take it, then the 3 of us walk into another room of the shop. Savi is curious about the bubbly so I hand her the glass and tell her to try it. Just as she puts her lips to the glass the woman walks in, sees savi and and I think, oh shit. She's gonna freak that I'm giving my kid booze. In their shop.
    Instead she gets all excited and starts telling savi how to smell it, how to identify flavours, how to taste it, etc. She gets savi so excited that we fucking paid £18 for the bottle of Crement!
    I can't help but suspect if that had been in America we would have been treated like white trash and made unwelcome. So even though I hardly ever drink, and savi only ever tries tiny bits of bubbly, I heart Europe, lol! It was lovely wine, too.
    I still can't see a difference between the red and white wine glasses. What a gimmick! Ha!


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